*Warning* this is going to be a very long post.
So … there were know three men in my life that I actually started considered after I filed for divorce: David (Spoogle), Christopher (Caball) and Percival (a pacific islander that I worked with at AHP).
David had come to visit me once from Hawaii. But I felt like he was too old for me. That I would be a trophy wife and I didn’t feel like we had a lot in common. David went by the online name Spoogle. I didn’t’ know what LinkedIn was at the time, but he kept telling me that he had a profile there.
Christopher was online. His online name was Caball. But I spent many hours a day talking with him on the phone. I also let Isherwood talk to him a bunch. And he kept me in his ear during work. He told me about how to used to be special forces and helped fly helicopters. He told me he was a chef. He told me his ex had the house and he lived out of a trailer in Montgomery, Ala. I saw him on video chat do into the base (you cannot fake a uniform or going into a military base – that has not changed in 25 years). I asked him to be honest with me about everything. He said he didn’t smoke. He had a son whom he loved. I asked him if he was on any mental health medications. That it was okay if he was, I just wanted to know so that if something happened to him. I would know what to tell paramedics. He said he did not take mental health medication. I liked Chris a ton. Military man makes sense in my head. Chris and I were goofing off with sexting, but eventually that bored me so I stopped doing it. (I was not going to be anyone’s online sex toy.)
Then there was Percival. Quiet. Brilliant. Loved to cook dinners for me. Fabulous cook. We played board games with a group of people from AHP. I felt like I belonged. Eventually, Perci and I started a sexual relationship. I just grew more hesitant as he started saying things like “Having a child is the greatest sin you can do while living on the earth.” (Red Flag) … and “I will never believe in anything as foolish as God.” (Red Flag) “You are too smart to believe in God.” (Yeah. A lot of idiots have told me that in my life—get a new line.)
Meanwhile the divorced finalized in Feb. of 2022. And Jack got his SSI. I had a full time job, so I got the house re-evaluated for a refinance / pay of debt loan. We only had 90k debt on the house, and it appraised at 380k. We easily qualified for a $220k loan. That gave Jack 60k to repair the house and the 48k to pay off all the debts. In May of 2022, I paid off EVERY single bit of our debt. We were 100% debt free (except for the mortgage).
At this point in time, I began to seriously consider fleeing the state of California forever. I had Tigger with me. I made a promise to him that we would never be separated again.
Well. I crossed David off the list. Even though we were still occasionally talking, I didn’t feel I had as much in common with him as the other two. Then Perci did something crazy. He told me “to give him absolute control over my life because he knew what I needed and what was good for me.” (REALLY BRIGHT RED FLAG) I basically told him that I was a domestic violence survivor and he had NO CLUE what I needed. I broke up with him that same afternoon.
In June I found out AHP was going to fire me .. errrr “Not renew my contract because I was writing to many IRs and didn’t understand how to work with drug addicts.” Odd. Because the lease said “Using an illegal narcotic on the property was a violation of the lease and you would be asked to leave on the first offense and, if you did not leave, AHP would start the eviction process. (Yeah right!)
Chris had been suggesting to me since Jan of 2022 that I should move to Alabama to be with him. When I called him to talk with about accepting that idea, his responded, “Are you sure you do not want to move to where you Father is?” I thought this was odd. But Chris backtracked with “I just wanted you to be happy.” (David would later wisely state that “I called Chris’ bluff.”)
AHP agreed to pay for my storage unit to go to Alabama. I was thrilled. I left California on August 11, 2022, with Tigger and got to my new apartment the next day.
Chris was at the airport waiting for me in uniform. But he hesitated to touch me. Did not kiss me. Wanted me out of there as fast as possible. I was a little confused. Then he dropped me off at the apartment. Umm. With nothing. I called him the next day and said, “I kinda need food in the house.” He didn’t have any money for food, so I bought it. He made me a cucumber vinegar salad. He cooked me tortillas. But then he stopped talking to me at work. I was basically hiding in the apartment because black men dressed all in red were selling fentanyl 20 feet from my front door. I went across the street to the laundromat and basically got told by a nice man there that I should not EVER walk alone outside. Ever. Never. I accepted his advice. And only went outside to throw away trash. Chris had an excuse for a lot of things. His son blew up the truck engine. He worked on Fridays and Saturdays. But he never moved anything in. Nothing. Wait. I am incorrect. He moved in a few bathroom items. He also didn’t pay for anything. My U-Haul storage was weeks late arriving. Chris took me to different places to buy furniture. I had to have a bed until all my stuff arrived. His car smelled like smoke. I asked him about it. He said the his brothers in arms smoked a lot when he was driving them around base. I remember thinking, “He said he wouldn’t lie to me.”
I just recall how odd it was. I paid for the next month’s rent. Chris came and spent the night. He showed me a coin that he got from his boss that he was very proud about. It was a two -sided coin. He got it for helping cook for the crazy event over the past few days. Chris was really happy over the recognition. We had sex once that night. I remember him telling me that he got off, but he lied to me. I knew he didn’t. By the morning time, I was very sick. It was the Thursday before a major holiday weekend, but Chris said he had to work. He said he would come by after work to make me chicken noodle soup. (The Thursday before Labor Day weekend of 2022.)
Chris did not show up by 6 PM. At seven I was worried. At 9PM, I started trying to call local dispatchers to see if a white truck was involved in an accident. They said the didn’t know. By 11PM, I was calling the local hospitals to see if he had been admitted. All of them said no. By 1 AM, I was throwing up non stop. By 5AM I was having non-stop diarrhea.
At 6AM on Friday, September, By 7AM, when I reached out to Chris all I got was like floating red champagne bubbles. (Oddest link ever.) By then I was really afraid. At 8AM, I went online and asked about Caball to his guild. They said they had not heard from him in like 12 hours. At 9AM, I started trying to call him at the base. He said he was working, so I was trying to contact anyone. At 11:30, I finally got an human answer. It was a woman. I do not know who is directly under a base commander, but that is how she identified her position.
I relayed my concern about him not showing up to his place and how he doesn’t break his word. And how I was concerned I was because he was supposed to be at work today and I just tested positive with Covid and he was with me last night. Her response nearly flooded me. “No one is working today. It is a federal holiday. I am here just trying to fix something briefly.” (second lie)
“No one works today?” I said.
“Nope. And Christopher never works on Friday or Saturday. He is part time. Only works from Monday through Thursday.” (lie number 3) … I am so stunned.
I guess she could hear my concern and she said, “I will call his friends and ask them to check on him at his house.” I remember thinking: His house? What? He lives in a trailer.
She then suggested I call the county where he actually lived and check in with dispatch there. I thanked her. Around 12:30 PM, I called the county and got a hold of dispatch. The dispatcher took my name and phone number and his information.
Two minutes later, my cell phone starts ringing from a “hidden” number. I have worked enough with cops to know that when they call you, their cell phone is not disclosed. I answered it and got: Hi Mam. I am Detective so-and-so, returning your call regarding Christopher Hasty. How do you know him? When was your last contact with him?
I answered the questions then asked, “Is he okay?”
He went missing yesterday after going out with his family around noon. No one has seen him. I am here with his fiancé as she called after he went missing for 24-hours.
I think I mumbled something about “His fiancé?” At which point the Detective basically said they were getting a helicopter to help search for him and quite a few his co-workers had just shown up and that everyone was being assigned grids to looks for him.
I asked if I could updated and he said, “No. I have no idea who you are. You are not family.” Click.
I just collapsed on the rug. I sat there devastated. Then I started to throw up. I kept forcing water down my throat and I kept shitting the water out. I knew I had to stay hydrated. I used the last of my month to do a “shop for me” and had the person bring me Tylenol, ibuprofen and like 10 pedialyte drinks.
At 6PM, the phone rang. It was the lady at the base I had talked to. She explained the situation and handed the phone to the Base Commander where Chris was stationed in Montgomery, Ala., who was also out searching for Chris. I could tell I was on speaker phone. But he asked who I was. Name. Date of Birth. At that point, I just gave him my social and maiden name. He asked how I knew Chris. I tried to explain the past two years. I was coughing so badly. I explained I had covid. I talked about the medallion that Chris brought home. How he spent the night with me the prior night. How he was going to make chicken noodle soup for me. The Base Commander (BC) was very kind. I then brought up how Chris let me sit in his ear while he was at work, but he turned me off if anything was sensitive. I mentioned conversations I heard in the background. The Base Commander got very quiet. Then he said, “I will call you when we know something.” I thanked him as much as I could. Then I drank 3 pedialyte drinks and passed out.
When I woke up, it was morning. I felt hydrated. I was not having diarrhea any longer. At around 11AM, I got a call from the BC. He said there was no easy way to put this. But Chris had been found in the ravine behind a neighbors house with a gun. It looked like he has shot himself in the head. He has been dead for a few days, but with all the moisture and rain and animals, he was not physically recognizable when the lifted him up. He then said him, his wife, Chris’ direct boss, the lead MP for the state of Alabama and a co-worker of Chris would all like to meet with me this afternoon. I said I had had tested positive for Covid. They said they didn’t care and would wear masks and stay 6 feet from me. I agreed to meet with them.
Well. They all came. Right on time in plain clothes. The women walked into my apartment and hugged me and said, “Sweetie. I would never let a lady move into the area of town. Are you safe here.” I just nodded yes.
Then we all sat down in a circle. The BC started. He admitted when he first called me that I was under investigation for Chris’ murder. But the corner ruled it a suicide earlier this morning so no one was considering suspects anymore. The then explained that he and others were learning that Chris had four different lives: his online life, his life with me, his military life and his life with his finance and two children.
He asked me if I had made any contact with the family. My heart sunk into my belly. I knew where he was going with this conversation. He explained that it looked like Chris committed suicide on the same day as his brother had many years ago. I nodded my head. Then we started doing like a game of truth of vs. lie.
They mentioned that I mentioned that Chris never smoked .The MP said that was a lie. Chris smoked 3 packs a day most days. Then they said you mentioned Chris was not on any mental health medications. He was on 3 very critical mental health medications. I then told them about my conversation with Chris in which I asked if he was on medications and would support him if he was. I just wanted to know. They explained that about two weeks ago, he stopped taking his mental health medications.
The hits just kept coming. Chris was never in special forces. He was never a helicopter pilot. He was never a chef. He was engaged. He owned his own house free and clear. He was a terrible father to his son according to the neighbors and his ex. (Yelled at him. Treated him like crap. Picked him up drunk at times.) That he was a rampant alcoholic.
At this point, the BC’s wife stepped in and said, “Gentleman. The poor lady is pale. Stop interrogating her.” I started crying and tried to explain that I wasn’t a homewrecker. If I had known Chris was in a relationship, I never would have messed with him online. The BC’s wife then said, “Well. He moved you into this area. You can see how little he respected you.”
They then asked me not to contact the family or attend the funeral. It would hurt the family. (I already knew they were going to ask this. The thing they did not say was me being seen would also “embarrass the US National Guard.” I agreed. They asked me what my plan was. I had no plan. I had burned 5k getting there. I literally had $600 to my name before my next unemployment check.
After they left, I went online and posted about Chris’ death. His guild was horrified and stunned. Everyone started asking me how to send flowers, support his family. I had no idea. Then a guy named Spiffy posted the actual service for Chris on my discord. That is when I learned his name was spelled “Kris” not Chris.
I called the BC and said I had to move. I just had furniture that I couldn’t get out of the apartment and didn’t know how to approach the lease. Considering Kris’ name was on the electric and water bills for the unit – I was stumped. I could stay. I was dehydrated and malnourished … again. The BC said sent him a copy of my lease and he would take it to JAG and get back to me ASAP.
And devastated .. and alone. I called David the day of Chris’ funeral. I asked him if he had a place I could live. He asked why it was an emergency. I was sobbing and begging him not to ask. He offered to move to his Dad’s partner’s house in Washington DC. But that fell though. Then he said, “I have an entire second floor that is empty. You’ll have a bedroom with two locks on the inside. One is bolt. And your own private bathroom.” I said I would come. Then I spent six hours sobbing. Alone. Hurting. With no way to mourn with my family (so much shame and embarrassment) and no way to tell his family that Kris had laughed with me. Had joked. Had hope for the future.
JAG got back to the BC. He apologized on behalf of the United States military for how I was treated. I told him it wasn’t the military who did that. It was one mentally ill man who did. But I thanked him. He then relayed what I should write the apartment company to be let out of the lease. I put that mail in my backpack. I then realized I couldn’t take Tigger with me to Hawaii. ……. That tore me in three pieces. I begged a friend to drive down and get him and deliver him to Ish.
The BC helped the guys come and take my furniture for donation. And get me to the airport with Tigger. I left Alabama on September 12, 2022. Broken. Hurting. Dehydrated.
I met up with Melanie at SFO. I handed off Tigger. Sobbing. Hysterical. I had broken yet another promise. And at that point, Tigger was my deepest love on the earth. I was ashamed. Humiliated. And beyond scared. There was more pain in me than hope. I truly wondered why I had known nothing but suffering and hell for a decade. And then another asshole had me eating out of his hand (Kris). From one hurting place to another. I had to sleep in SFO that night as the plane to LA took off at 4AM. It was in SFO that night that I told myself: Kris was nothing but a lie. That he was not human. I cannot let him hurt me anymore.
That was the only way I felt like I could take another breath. I had a suitcase full of clothing and my Xbox OneX. (Somehow that made it from California to Alabama. Now it had made 3000 miles of the 7500 miles to Hawaii.)
LAX had major construction. We landed. I started running. I had to take a shuttle. I got to the terminal for LAX to Hawaii as the second to last to board. 20 minutes after final boarding calI. I got on the plane. I turned my cell phone off because I wasn’t able to charge it in basically 3rd class seats. Another part of me died while flying over that water.
I had no expectations in Hawaii. I just wanted a chance to heal. A chance to find myself. I had to be so many things to survive Matthew. (Think of a “flavor of the week” kind of thing.) I didn’t even know what foods I liked. I was so malnourished – again!
The plane landed. I walked outside. The heat was overwhelming. I text David to see where he was at. He said he was a few minutes away. His car pulled up…. And there was David.
p.s. Tigger is doing fabulous at Ish’s. I gave them my prior cat “Meeshka.” Tigger actually knew and liked Meeshka. They are running around chasing each other and playing in the house together.